Poems about afraid

I was drowning.
That's the best way I can describe it.
Drowning.
And I fought so hard to save myself.
Pushing away the water in front of me to make it back to land.
I kicked and waded and treaded.
And now I lay here
On the sandy beach.
Fingers grasping the earth beneath me.
Watching as the tide rises
And I can see the waves coming closer
Feel them clawing at my toes.
And I'm afraid I'll be pulled back in.

Because this time,
I think I'm too tired to fight.

I am so completely aware of the fact that I have a voice
And so completely afraid to use it because
Of what I might say. Because I have a lot to say.
I might say things like I'm not
Okay. I might say things like I'm lost and I don't know what
I'm doing, I'm scared and I'm sad, and I'm selfish too. I might
Say things like trying to be a better person is hard and
Exhausting and sometimes giving up is as tempting as
Failing a final exam out of sheer indifference because you know
Someone is going to do better than you anyway. I might say things
About being a woman, and how it's so easy to remain silent
In this society, how easy it is to pretend like you don't have an
Opinion, you don't have a voice, how easy it is to believe
That you're just an object for men to look at and call you
Sexy, that you're a threat to other women because they're too insecure
To realize that they are your sisters and that sisters should be sticking
Together, not mocking or criticizing each other
When the other isn't listening.
I might say things about how sometimes I wonder why
I was brought into this world, because it's cold and it's violent
And it's difficult and it revolves around money. And money is scary
And intimidating because it will never bring anyone happiness and yet
It is the one thing that everyone wishes they had more of. The one thing
That nobody has enough of.
Enough.
I want to feel good enough.
I want to wake up in the morning and feel proud to be a woman,
I want to stop seeing and treating myself as if I am an object,
I want to look into the mirror and have oceans of self respect
Pour out of my eyes and nourish my heart.
I want to be able to walk through a mall or browse social media networks
Without being bombarded by images of the latest female pop star
Who is making the current female generation look like
Self degrading cheap sex objects whose primary purpose
Is to please males acting as a an open welcome sign blank canvas
For humiliating labels and comments and
Spreading shame as if it were a highly contagious disease.
I want to tell you that you hurt me.
I want to tell you that I used you to hurt myself.
I want to look at you and tell you I am sorry.
I want to tell you that I am trying and have you believe me.
I want to walk outside and hug a stranger and have them say
"Thank you, I needed that. "
I want to make a difference, I want to use my voice.
I am so completely aware of these things.
I am so completely afraid. Vulnerability comes
With living a true and fulfilling life. And I am afraid
Of that. I want to be a leader in the sense
That I don't continue to act as a vacuum, always sucking
False words out of people, consuming them as if they were my last
Meal on earth, as an attempt to heal the tiny wounds underneath my skin,
As an attempt to feel whole and wanted and useful and important,
As an attempt to pretend to have never been the people I have in fact been.
I don't want that. I want life. I want to open my mouth and have
Floods rushing into the ears of others screaming
"HERE I AM AND I AM AND YOU ARE TOO AND THAT ALONE IS ENOUGH. "
I want to look up at the sky and know
That God himself created this masterpiece for all of us,
Because he loves us. Because God has no grandchildren and
We are all precious and worthy and forgiven.
I want to say I love you and I want you to feel it.
I want to say that to myself and really feel it too.
I want to know myself.
I want to know you.

I am afraid,
Someone will not like me.
That someone will judge me.
That someone might look at me and think,
She makes my life miserable.

She tried to get away,
But she wants to stay,
Afraid to be alone,
Afraid to shine her wings,
They're so beautiful with colors,
Hard to see in the dark,
Since she had shut herself out,
Out of this world.

She's afraid to open up,
Afraid to let anyone get close,
She's afraid to fall apart,
Afraid to break loose,
As she dances the knife,
All around her arms.

She is too afraid,
To even seek for any help,
Thinking she could handle things,
But slowly failing at it,
As she had continued to cry,
Every single night.

She had a beautiful smile,
She had beautiful brown hair,
She had a beautiful tan,
Now she is all pale,
Her cheeks were rosy,
But hidden behind tears stained.

She was once a beautiful woman,
Now she's a train wreck,
With her heart so empty,
As she hid herself away,
Deep inside a cave.

Knuckles

Caressing your knuckles,
Without a doubt the least pretty part
Of the body human,
Even the word lacks grace.

Yet, I'm pleasured by these hillocks,
Where your veins come to rest
From their long journey up from the ground,
For
The spaces in between those knuckles are where
The words hide that I mine,
A mine that will n'ere be shuttered.

Words needed to create another love poem for my beloved,
Nose and toes, breasts and eyes all regularly poetically,
Cherished,
Now I have knuckled under
And competed a full poetic body scan
And have paid tribute to each n'every part of you,
Even your knuckles... which I am busy kissing
While writing this poem in my distracted mind.

June 1st
Just now.

When I came out to you
You laughed at me
And I felt like shit
I like you - we went on holiday together
But you don't like me

"Gay guys are alright
But it would be weird to know a lesbian
What if she had a crush on me? "
I like you - you have a cute laugh
But you wouldn't like me

Two girls at the back if the bus
"You guys aren't lesbians are you?
Because if you are, we won't sit with you. "
I like you - you're popular and funny
But you wouldn't like me

There's a strange boy at Scouts
"Oh yeah he's such a pedophile,
He must be gay. "
I like you - we went to camp together
But you wouldn't like me

"I was at the cinema the other day
I saw two girls kissing
It was so gross. "
I like you - you'd always beat me at cards
But you wouldn't like me

If I told you I was gay
How would you react?
I'd still like you
But you wouldn't like me

You may not be aware
But i'm writing this in the dark
One of those nights has turned to a habit
I'm afraid
Afraid that i may be blind soon
Or perhaps i already am.

It is no excuse
I close my eyes
Attempting to dream
Refresh not regret
The room is upside down
I'm afraid
Of the inevitable

I know i'm aware
My existence
It is not an epiphany
A thought
A concept
A prolonged
An elongated
An infinity

I will soon be dust and
I'm afraid

What did you dream
Because as far as I can tell
Its not what it seems
My fair and dear rebel
And as long as I can cry
But as long as you still sing
I will still remember
The day you lost my ring
While I am still a sleeper
And you may only lie
Pretend that you're the big shit
As I fall for other guys
So baby I'm afraid
For you, but not for me
As I am now awake
In here, and in my dreams
For all those doubled lovers
For all those heartfelt sighs
I am not a person,
That gives a farewell kiss goodbye
And by the by we sing
Those songs I learned from you
Observing for the moment
How much I truly grew