I have been a high ranking officer in the foreign legion I have also been a sea master and a captain-lieutenant In the American air force, flying anything from helicopters To transport planes and jet bombers I was in Vietnam when my moment of glory came, when general Westmoreland's helicopter got problem and had to land In a clearing, in panic radio silence was broken and The North Vietnamese army moved in, it was then my expertise Kicked in I knew the area used a small chopper and saved Him and his next in command, the pilot, was left to fend For himself- he made it to the Mekong river and was picked up. Westmorland was an ill-tempered man complained he could Smell alcohol on my breath- how else to fight this stupid war. They gave me a medal and kicked me out, but I was still Employed by the foreign legion who gave me medals too before Transferring me to secret service duty. My job was to find soldiers of the legion who had absconded And committed crimes while in uniform. The order was clear, bring them back or silence them, But I'm not suited for this work, so I quit and became a cook in The merchant navy.
How to cook a gourmet dinner: (does anyone know what gourmet means? You know, there is a chance I'm not qualified to give advice on this subject... eh whatever)
How to cook a gourmet (whatever the hell that means) dinner:
Step 1: Send your boyfriend a text inviting him over for a romantic, candlelit home-cooked gourmet dinner.
Step 2: Remember that you are forever alone and don't have a boyfriend.
Step 3: Go buy mass amounts of chocolate and cry about it.
Step 4: Get over it and invite over your grandmother instead.
Step 5: Preheat the oven to 975 degrees
Step 6: Freak out about the fire in your oven and turn it off.
Step 7: Open all your doors to let the smoke out.
Step 8: Get out all the ingredients you need for the recipe you are Following.
Step 9: End up eating most of the ingredients before you even get to Use them.
Step 10: Spill oil and wine all over your recipe book (umm pffft the Wine is TOTALLY one of the ingredients, that's why you had it out... heh heh... yeah...)
Step 11: Panic and try to dry it off by taking the book outside and waving it around.
Step 12: Watch in horror as all the pages in your book tear and fly off Into the wind.
Step 13: Chase hopelessly after the pages down the block screaming Swear words and having a heart attack.
Step 14: Politely smile and wave awkwardly at your neighbour who Hates you.
Step 15: Yell an apology across the street to that other neighbour who REALLY doesn't like you with the little five year old daughter who is Now repeating all of your colorful vocabulary words you just yelled.
Step 16: Reluctantly accept the fact that your recipes are gone. And also That you have just contributed to the global problem of littering the Streets.
Step 17: Walk back to your smoke-scented house in shame.
Step 18: Look through pictures of scrumptious-looking meals on Pinterest.
Step 19: Get inspired and decide to put your brilliant idea of creating your own recipe into action.
Step 20: Get out your frying pan and throw a bunch of random ingredients in.
Step 21: Put out yet another fire and realize that marshmallows, sprinkles, raisins, baking soda, orange peels and liquid gasoline probably wouldn't have tasted very good together anyway.
Step 22: Wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
Step 23: Get distracted by the television for half an hour.
Step 24: Try to microwave 2 week old mac and cheese you forgot to Throw out.
Step 25: Watch as your microwave malfunctions and spontaneously Combusts.
Step 26: Decide to clean it up later because you just cannot even deal With it right now.
Step 27: Fill a pot with water to make pasta and try to boil the water.
Step 28: Somehow manage to burn the water.
Step 29: Wonder how that even happened?! ! !
Step 30: Give up and call the pizza delivery guy.
Step 31: When you grandmother arrives have her take a seat in the Kitchen.
Step 32: Call an ambulance when she has a heart attack seeing the mess In your kitchen.
Step 33: Get ready to leave and drive after the ambulance to the Hospital with your grandmother once the pizza arrives so you can Bring it with you. Get a call from the pizza place.
Step 34: Listen to the manager explain that your pizza spontaneously Burst into flames in the oven and they are terribly sorry there will be a Delay in the delivery due to this.
The methodology, That becomes your Poetic theology, Of
How to cook a poem
Slow simmer, As if it was A hearty filling stew, With the red wine, You flavored, For style unique
Stew Over it, Add pinches of Contradicting adjectives
Icy hot, Bland spice And not everything nice, Bitter herbs, Fatalistic flaws
Make it To Make the left and the right Side of the brain Argue and engage, Let it taste of the foment, Of unease, disease, And the Coming to terms With the Alternating au courant currents, Of fashionistas
Don't forget The final seasoning, the finishing Reasoning, The perfect certainty Of momentary Peace
Uncovered, derived, home grown, After a thirty years war, And the Perfect uncertainty, You still aren't sure, Which side won And why
Some fry in nastiness, Some broil, Flaming to burn away, Some boast to roast Of the average angst That breathing Seems to Require
Some peel, Some imbibe the raw, All get sorted
For even what Writ in haste, All sourced from ingredients, Taking years of seconds, In the assembling The trial and error The preparation, Required for living a life Cooking poetry
They told me to Stop thinking so Much and look at Me and what I did: I became a poet, a writer. A being that thrives Within its thoughts, Its imagination- Anything that its Brain can cook up In the limitless pot That has been given To it. And I ponder: I'm someone who eats Other people's words, Ingest them in my mind, Take a selective few of them To cook a new piece using my own recipe. And like any cook Who wants to satisfy One's hunger, I want To fill you up- To the point where You want more of it, Even though your head Is totally full From my previous serving.
Advanced and Belated my Greetings fare For the Lone Star Beauty my Summons despite Having left my Tearful Wantings despair Then offer it to your Happiness quite For this Independence judged by your Name How cool are his Forceps fused into yours, Nipped your Smile's Edge his Quintessence became Offered once - twice - then advance into fours As what any Wise-Stoned Elder would Perscribe Since Feelings sincere broke the Munchkin's Heart To lift as the Cross your Saviour subscribe This One Joy liberate was yours from the Start. Blessings indeed bill this Sacrosanct Day Then corral your Fortunes for Candle-Light's Way.
I can't fry an egg, sunny side up Becomes nasty pulp I'll try to do a roast But you'll probably end up with beans and toast I'll try to do a coddle But it won't be a doddle If you want cordon bleu Forget it, but I might attempt a stew My dessert will probably fill you with mirth You'd give it a wide berth I mightn't be a good cook But if you want a night filled with glee Come visit me
